Blue Plate Special
I am now going to tell you a little story to illustrate the importance of forgiveness and compassion.
Almost four years ago, I left my job to start my personal chef business, Heavenly Home Gourmet. Times were tough and I was eagerly seeking new clients. I was given a lead for a woman in Montecito who needed a dinner party catered and I eagerly jumped at the opportunity. Upon meeting, I learned that she wanted a salad and entree for 25 people and that her budget was $500, or $20 per person. This is a virtually impossible budget to work with, the cost is more like $60-$100 per person for a meal prepared in-home (over Christmas I did a dinner that was $150 per person). This should have been my first indication to run like the wind, but I didn’t know how to say no and needed the cash. Things were going alright during the planning, except that she would forget entire phone conversations and then call me up wondering why we hadn’t finalized the menu. Stubborn and suffering from Dementia is never a good combo.
On the day of the party, all my ducks were in a row and I was prepping in the kitchen with the housekeeper who was supposed to help me cook since she wouldn’t pay for an assistant. As the poor woman complained that: “Mrs. Blank is so cheap that she makes me drive 2 hours to come clean her house and doesn’t even pay for my gas or the driving time”, and many other awful stories that should be reported to authorities, I was secretly relieved that I had escaped relatively unscathed. As the hour approached, it was clear that this poor woman was to be as overworked this evening as I was. She was the server and cleaner, which meant that my hope of having an assistant flew out the window (I did a Christmas party for half as many people with my own assistant plus 2 servers). I moved more quickly and precisely than I ever had before. The food made it all out and was met with applause. Job well done, or so I thought…
The next day I got a phone call from Mrs. Blank that was the most offensive and displeased I have ever received. “You have no respect for my kitchen…you let water get onto the floor…you chipped the paint on the pantry door…you bought herbs when I have an herb garden (never told that)…you bought cranberries, etc, etc, and I have those things in the pantry…you should have given me your shopping list for approval…roasted chicken is supposed to have crispy skin…you should have asked for a recipe if you couldn’t get the skin crispy…thepotaoes were too soft…the gravy too thick…you have no right to work in MONTECITO !!”and on and on and on it went. As she continued with her rant, I remembered the conversation with her housekeeper about how she is always arguing the bill and her hours and realized that she was doing the same to me. Choking back tears, I told her that I was sorry that she was dissatisfied, but that I had done the best I could given her budget and stringent requests (roast 6 chickens and potatoes for 25 in 2 small ovens). She told me that if she had anything to do with it that I would never work in Montecito again (I thought people only said stuff like that in movies).
I sent her the bill that afternoon with a note at the bottom that a 20% charge would be added for each week the balance was delinquent, still worried that she wouldn’t pay me at all. I got a check a couple days later with a beautifully hand-written note that basically said: “You have no right considering yourself a professional chef and I hope you never work inMontecito again. Your food is the equivalent of a BLUE PLATE SPECIAL”. Man, oh man, was I fuming!! I told everyone who would listen how awful she was and felt sorry for myself for at least a week. I began to wonder if what she said were true, and called all of my clients to ask them for a performance review. I finally let it go until…
…I moved in ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM HER!!! I realized it even as I was interviewing for my new job and chuckled that I could soon be breathing that same air as her. Then about six months after I moved in the craziest things started happening: for 2-3 weeks, I saw her EVERYWHERE! In the downward-facing-dog position in my yoga class, buying produce at the farmers market, in the parking lot at the supermarket, pulling out of her driveway as I was running by her house!!! After about the ninth encounter, I had the sneeking suspicion that God was trying to tell me something, but what? That I should egg her house, toilet paper her trees, key her car?No, it was quickly made clear to me that I was supposed to FORGIVE HER! Ugh. Why, God? I had done such a good job of forgiving my parents and ex-boyfriends, why her? I was so clearly in the right and she was so abusive!
Well, if this was the only way to get this awful woman out of my life, I guess I could muster up some forgiveness. I began by apologizing (in my head) for all of the ways I could have done a better job and handled the situation. Then I was prompted to imagine all of her good characteristics and then praise her for them (all I could think of at first was that she had a really pretty house). Then I tried to imagine how she became the way she did. What kind of hardships had she encountered in her life? What was her family like? I obviously had very little information to work with, but it didn’t matter. As all of my judgment began to slip away, the door was opened to be compassionate towards her. After a couple days of doing this, I stopped seeing her (mostly).
I was reminded of these lessons at my home group on Monday night. The issues of judgment, forgiveness, and compassion came up and the ways in which we deal with the people in our lives that have hurt us. Someone told a story about the journey God had taken him on to forgive his mother for the horrendous things she did to her family.
After a long and painful process, he was able to fully forgive her, and once that happened, was able to love and have compassion for her as never before, experiencing a supernatural peace (my story was an itsy-bitsy grain of sand compared to this one). The Bible and other famous texts have a lot to say about the way we treat and relate to others. The Parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke sums up the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Jesus goes further to say: “If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic” (Luke 6:29). We have fallen so far from this in our daily lives, choosing instead to judge and hold grudges on the people who have hurt us, and end up living with our hearts totally closed to love, acceptance, and compassion. Until we release judgment and hatred, we will not be able to have compassion and love, unable to feel forgiven until we forgive. Forgiveness releases us and releases others to return to our true, inherent, loving nature. It is humbling, painful at times, and difficult to battle our need to be right and justified, but its truly the only way to have peace.
I hope this inspires you to forgive the people who have hurt you and strive towards greater compassion and mercy in your daily life. It will be worth it, I promise. The alternative may be running into them EVERYWHERE YOU GO. What a sense of humor that God has.
